Rushing to Wait

The phone rings and messages ding before my feet hit the floor in the morning. As I rush to drop the toast in the toaster pour a drink and get dressed all the while reading messages and emails I have a thousand thoughts running in my head all telling me hurry or you will lose or be late or miss everything!

That would be fine if I was rushing towards something that makes me smile makes me or my kids proud or happy. But this hustle is more to please those around me because I know if they are not happy then they won’t love me or like me or turn me away.

But in actuality I’ve survived all my life from a grammar school age survival was forced not taught or lead by anyone just by having noone. At five my mother locked me and my little brother in a mobile home trailer with a paddle lock on the outside so by no means could we break out while she would bar hop n drink and the maybe come home that next night or Monday morning right before school and yell and scream at me to get the fuck ready for school you little bitch. I’d happily race out the door but I’d kiss my little brother and tell him just be good she will pass out soon.. Going to school was my escape my freedom from hell. But making friends was hard because my hair was always messy and my clothes well depending on which cousin’s hand me down they were. But it never failed as soon as I would start to make friends or even one mom would have a new boyfriend or lose her job so we would have to move. Sometimes in the middle of the night so I never got to say goodbye to my friends or get that cool thing in art waiting to be graded.

Published by Aprilj Smith

Finally able to live after 41 years of surviving.

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