It has finally hit me

I’ve always been embarrassed about my past about my struggle and I always try to pretend that it doesn’t exist. But I’ve signed up for the services provided through grand lake this month. I’m not big on talking about my past or my feelings I’ve trained myself to not have emotions in order to keep from getting hurt.

I was given a picture that I’ve carried with me for months of who may possibly be my father and come to find out he lives right here in Barnsdall. Excited , scared and embarrassed it’s one of those embarrassing to-do things on my list . A list that I have made in order and hopes to be free from the past and be able to live and move forward in a happier state of mind. I’ve walked to the man’s house knocked on his Door Saturday but no one was home. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal until I got closer to his door and the less I felt I could breathe.

I’m not rushing back over anytime soon it did let me know that it is definitely on the emotional chain that needs to be broken. I think I may run into him in town and I know that he will be happy with just getting the picture of him and his brothers being at least one has passed. So then my heartache has helped someone along the way and even if no answer is given on paternity I will feel as if I brought good out of a hurtful situation

Published by Aprilj Smith

Finally able to live after 41 years of surviving.

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